creative corpus

Duality
the darkness just is. i am everything and i am nothing. the dark is void of judgement. the void is strength and yet nothing yet is power. without prejudice. i just am. misery is but an illusion. 
i am a warrior in training. i face my fears and learn to survive and thrive. Kung Fu is now my life. My intent will be channeled, my focus better, my strength grown and every step makes another step towards a foundation brick. it's okay to be scared, and feel emotion. embrace the pain and center myself. i got this. i will victor. 

i acknowledge my faults. *shakes* i have allies. calm the storm inside of me and find my center. 

scared. disbelief in myself. help....i feel so alone right now. *screams and curls up in a ball* pain. emotion. me go inward. i won't give up...i cannot. i was given a second chance at life. i'm done living life in fear and holding back. in time i'll be able to defend myself. mental bs. 

So the fire alarm went off and was a false alarm. I had a creative idea and went with it. 

Inspired by a convo:

*The Sith lady lets out a few tears and sighs feeling disappointed, angry, and a desire to fight something to destroy it. She looks at her emotions and her urges to do certain behaviors yet sighs knowing it goes no where. A Sith must remain balanced and knows when it's fruitful vs. unfruitful. She falls to her knees and screams letting everything free letting hatred flow through her. I failed. She observes her ego thoughts about what people may see me like I change too fast  and shift growing a lot. Maybe they can't track it and due to me not caring what others think plus not airing laundry in tfd people may think I am not reliable to run an order. Her paranoia or desire to guard herself is like a slight beacon yet she tends to deny that part of herself. She feels a hand on her shoulder and the voice of her Master speaks to her power dripping from his words sending out big ripples as he says


"It was a lesson you had to go through. I think in working with them  you also had a chance to see your own flaws and work on them. Which is often the nature of the master apprentice relationship." he says knowing there is still a lot for her to learn. She nods as she did some self reflecting "I learned i need to tighten up way more. i'm unclear on some things. I learned I was too nurturing and should've let em fall. I tried to fight for them and I didn't need to do that. I did prepare for treachery though this time and was ready in case it happened." she says yet her shoulders sag feeling heavier. "Why do I feel this sense of sadness, loss, a desire to be stronger, a sense to fight back, and yet also care or hope for the best." She says anguish on her face and confusion about who's she s become. "Who is this who can feel anger yet also hope for the best...what am I? Is this weakness?" 


The Master chuckles in amusement and replies "It takes time and just allow yourself to learn from it all. Even as a Sith lady you will fail and it's what you do when you fail that matters." She looks up at him and something sparks within her a mix of hope with fight.  



"But as a Sith lady it's okay? Cause aren't we held to way higher standards and like more is expected out of us? Title doesn't mean shit to me either but the idk like perceived self mastery and responsibility. do sith get to fail and not be idk......this urge for perfection and control in myself. Why did you even do it because I don't feel like a Sith lady." She sighs anger flowing through her as she goes to being hard on herself and feeling pressured. 


"An evolving concept. Today, I am the master of my world. Tomorrow, I will probably lose my temper over a piece of copper" He responds and let's that sink in before extending his hand out to her which she takes rising up to hug him. She quietly contemplates his meaning and sits in it then looks up at him a smile tugging at her lips. i fight and fear when i lose control over copper. I do my best to use my tools to control myself but sometimes i just meh.....then am really really really hard on myself." She says with fierce determination. 



"you've come a long way from when I first met you and I'm proud of you." he says and further continues  "No one gets to be perfect all the time. The key to mastery, especially as a Sith, is that we are always trying to be perfect. When we fall, we do not fail as long as we get up. We fail when we throw a tantrum and walk away. When we stay down. We don't fail until we let ourselves fail." She goes silent again and leans into her Master for a second before supporting her own weight. A lot of tension releases from her body and she feels free in a sense the worry going away. She bows then goes off to meditate before retiring in for the night. 
-end of creative writing.

dis one....next rofl. da fuq. the smack was great.

soundcloud.com/tauriel-rhyvvenbane/k-h3r/s-BJzveTzNoiW?si=047fd1658f9a46249c6fae90e63aa3cd&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

Inspired by in my bed and my own twist. I felt some pre pride vibe and played the piano in this song. The rest are loops and of course me singing. I am pansexual and proud of who/what I am.

"This song is about the tension that exists between fear and surrender, and the moment of letting go.
… about the intrinsic value we all have, that is not based on what we do or achieve.
… about the evolutionary torque that is born out of the process of accepting what has been and what will be, such that we may land in the present moment.
… about dissolving into the fabric of the universe, as if dust on a faint breeze, and trusting what lies on the other side."-Phutureprimitive
soundcloud.com/phutureprimitive/vaporized-into-dust-on-a-faint-breeze?si=b798f17b30094a80a24561dbb6c8389e&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

NOT MY SONG! Yet I like this. 

soundcloud.com/illustep/jax-like-my-father-orchestra-cover-ft-rica-and-some-canon-in-d?si=25278ae64d89411aad32d5580aa0a92f&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

beautiful song. I look at the Lords here and how they handle things. Khaos for example won't tell you that one doesn't with to engage or that he's not worth the time. I used too and following his example because my time is valuable. I protect my time and I took from what he does. when people disrespect your boundaries ignore because most people want to turn it to a conflict.
They vampiric and isn't worth the time or drama.

David and I talk still. we spoke about our minds and a few private things. I let go and no longer hold space for the things or people I used to in my mind. This lessens impact and drama. this makes me a worthier or better ally because in my opinion it means I'm not someone who will become a nuisance in future. I haven't thought about anyone on here and when I signed up again I blocked those who I don't wish to engage with. I made it my intent to engage with draconis and streen only because those I entertain or cherish.


“There are many who would take my time. I shun them.
There are some who share my time. I am entertained by them.
There are precious few who contribute to my time. I cherish them.”- Anton Lavey

I for a second feel remorse for the atomic energy when I lacked the strength for this approach. I protect my angles by being careful about who I interact with due to where they are at in their path. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I know what is necessary and what no longer is. I am working on my focus, discipline, and have plenty of time/energy for what is needed. My mind is only filled with what maters to me and I thank David because he helped me start that. we laughed a lot and I have fun reconnecting with him because to me he's more then just a friend. He was my first actual Sith master that is a true lord in my opinion even though he doesn't think so or care which only makes my opinion even stronger due to his take on it. 

Do I blame others for looking at me warily cause of my past...nope I admire it. I also admire failing and learning. I am getting better at this. I'm actually doing it and for a second I feel proud of myself. to see myself do things and learn the things I didn't believe I could do just means a lot to me. I feel accomplished and am eager to get more done. I did my daily meditation for some studies and it's a peacefully content happy Friday.